Its been a few days. 2 more weeks to go. I know I shouldn't feel this way. I don't why I'm getting so anxious and anticipating things which I still do not know how the outcome is going to be like. I know deep down I'm still afraid. I'm still afraid of the chances of being hurt and hurting others that obviously have no fault in my life.

But there is still a pinch of hope for a better day, meeting the right person and starting all over. Making me feel like i've never been hurt before, making me realized that I'm still strong though those years has drained the energy out of me and I'm left with only heartache at the end of the day. And also to make me believe that there are still goodness out there.

I'm trying to stop myself from being so restless. To stop myself from thinking of him. But then negativity always get the best of me. Somehow i feel he's better off with someone better than me. Someone that's on par with him. Unlike me.

Which again, with all the heartbreaks that I'd caused.. Probably due to my carelessness of my own actions. I just think I don't really deserve the happiness that I ought to have. I'm a completely messed up girl. As much as I want to not feel this way I cant lie to myself. I still think of him. And really do badly miss him. Every single bit of him. The years that we had spent together. Moments that truly is very meaningful to me and those moments that I would remember for the rest of my life.

I hope someday, all these are just gonna be something I'm gonna reflect back and say "Hey, I managed to go through it! And I'm proud of myself."

Yesterday was the first after months, I cried myself to sleep. I dont know if this pain i'm feeling is because of him..or the loneliness that i'm feeling right now..
Anyway, i do know its not gonna last long. Clearly everyone, i mean most people, that is around me doesnt approve about the both of us. I do however understands why they dun approve on us. They just want the best for me. Tho i can't lie but to say the fact that he is in fact quite a nice guy. Its just a waste that our cultural difference kind of makes it impossible for us to be together and blew everything off.
Despite that, though i may know a few other guys, i dont seem to feel the connection. Or maybe its just me who is making the barrier.. Whatever it is right now i know i'm missing him a lot. Just wanna hear him and ask bout how he's doing. Just want him back and i hate not to being uncontactable for days eventhough i can clearly see that he's actually contactable.
Darn. What have i got myself into..? Am i actually starting to fall for this guy? Or am i just feeling this way because i have no one else but him that can shower me with love n care..? Or is it the pain from my past relationship that makes me feel scared of getting hurt again and doesnt want to be left alone by another person?
But i must admit that i am scared of being left and alone all over again. I suppose that may explains the hurt i'm feeling all these while..

As of Aug 2012, I was pronounced single, after 4 years.
It was quite easy to walk away to be honest...as I have surpressed my feelings and endured with everything all this while. And to realized the things that I have done was not fully appreciated and for the fact that I did not receive much in return for all the things I've done for him just makes it even easier for me to make that decision.

However, as time goes by, I do realize the emptiness inside me.
Now it has been about 3-4 months since that night.
And recently so, I was caught by surprise by an unknown person whom mistakenly whatsapp me.
Well, at first it was nothing of a big deal, but then reading the text again, suddenly it just came to me of a huge possibility that it's him.
Have u ever had the feeling that eventhough you don't know the truth or actual story but somehow you're just so sure of what you feel is correct..?
That's how I felt.

Up till now it still bothers me.
The text and the feeling that I have.
And truthfully it hurts...so much.

And I kept thinking...
Where have I done wrong..?
Where have we gone wrong?
And why do I have to go through this all by myself?
Does he thinks about me?
If he does, why is it so easy for him to move on?
Are the 4 years meant nothing to him that things can be changed so easily?
Then what are the meaning behind all his words and promises during those times?


And I kept questioning myself like as if I will get the answers..

A year older every 13.09
An animal lover
KPOP fanatic!


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